Todays article has been thoughtfully written by Sandra Meisel. Sandra is a yoga teacher here in Stavanger at Sansche Yoga. Sandra teaches Vinyasa Yoga, a flowing form of Yoga where each pose builds and gives way to the next. Over a number of years I have come to know Sandra as a passionate and warm person who has education and compassion at her heart. Her thoughts on connection are enlightening and deserve further discussion. Sandras words are worth reading so sit back and let her lead you through her timely thoughts on the art and skill of connection in todays world….
What if Covid-19 only highlights our longing and thirst for company and connection? What if the more underlying reasons for our ever-present disconnectedness, isolation and lacking sense of belonging are to be found within ourselves, in our beliefs, attitude and behaviour?
If connection is so very essential to human nature as many studies do suggest, we want to make sure we don’t stand in the way but do our best to find it!
It’s now over a year into the pandemic and no big news that social isolation can cause great negative impact on our emotional and physical wellbeing. Covid-19 painfully confirms that a life in isolation does not suit us very well; that we are a social species after all! According to researcher Brené Brown “connection gives us purpose and meaning in our life”, and in the earlier days of mankind when the community provided shelter, safety and food it also was key to survival.
Covid-19 deprives us of physical, interpersonal connection and contact and that’s a big sacrifice. But “connection” can stand for much more: We can connect to nature, to art, to a higher purpose, the Divine, our inner self, the present moment etc. And on closer inspection we will probably find out that our attitudes, behaviours and beliefs do indeed control how easily and in which way we connect. And that’s good news because it means that we have a handle on it! So, let’s begin and identify some of the most common “connection suppressors”:
We are so much in a hurry, that we are missing out on life itself
Our default mode is ticking things off the list. We are always onto the next thing. This is how we live, work, socialize, communicate, eat, exercise, sometimes even love and parent. Constant rush and forward-momentum characterise big parts of our life. Our fear of missing out (FOMO) is what drives us. Paradoxically, what really makes us miss out, is that very fear itself!
Connection requires a mind that is able to pay attention, to watch and listen closely instead of being pulled away by every ever so little stimulus. We seem to have lost that ability to some degree, and the rapid reward-cycles of modern media have further accelerated this development. We have become terrible at enduring boredom. Already half a minute of a “pause” where nothing happens, is too much for our dopamine-craving brains to handle and makes us reach for the phone. This leaves little time for reflection, for random thoughts and creative aha-moments. We are a distraction-addicted, attention-deficit society creating a world that lacks depth. A world like that leaves us feeling empty, dissatisfied and – have a guess! – disconnected.
In the recently published book “Time off” the authors stress the need to become “conscious about how you spend your time, recognizing that busyness is often the opposite of productivity, admitting and respecting your need for downtime and detachment, establishing clear boundaries and saying “no” more often.”
What this all boils down to is trading FOMO for JOMO, the “fear of missing out” for the “joy of missing out”.
Our bubble has turned into a fortress
We very much differ between whom we want to connect to and to whom we don’t. We look for connection and acknowledgement with like-minded people and aren’t very much interested about the rest. I guess this is only natural and shouldn’t be a problem as long as the bubble we live in doesn’t become a fortress. This is what often happens, though. And this is when it becomes sort of paradox: when the very drive to connect promotes separation and societal divide instead. But who exactly are the “builders” of that fortress? Let’s have a look:
(i) Strong point of view: The stronger we identify ourselves with our values, tastes and lifestyle, our opinions, stories and background, the higher the walls we build and the more exclusive we become. So in all our eagerness to connect with some, we distance ourselves from the rest. Put this to the extreme, and the result is what we were to observe in the 2020 US election, i.e. the deep divide within the American society. The tone and message of the election campaign was “us versus them” and the goal was obvious: to SEPARATE from the unlike-minded in order to INCREASE the connection of the like-minded. The same mechanisms are at play with the current Covid-19 crisis, where differing attitudes and beliefs lead to increased polarisation and societal division.
(ii) Convenience: Our fortress is comfy and provides shelter. The rules are set – our viewpoints, opinions and beliefs, too. Differing opinions are seen as a threat to the peace and quiet of our bubble and make us feel rather uncomfortable. It takes real effort to deal with them and, worst of all, we might feel forced to question our own. What we sacrifice with this attitude is a life with depth.
(iii) Our fear of standing alone: Some seek the company of the flock more because of their fear of standing alone. For them it is not about being seen, but of NOT being seen. For them the flock is little more but a shelter, a hiding place. “If people get to see my true self, including my weaknesses and flaws, will I still be worthy of connection? Am I still good enough?” The fear of losing connection typically involves some kind of shame. Shame can be the driving force to fit in and to hide the true self. But as we pretend to be someone we are not, we disconnect from ourselves. And from that place we can only fail to authentically connect to the people and the world around us.
MOVING TOWARDS CONNECTION
Opening to vulnerability
Brené Brown says that we have to open into vulnerability in order for true connection to happen. That means we have to allow ourselves to be seen, let go of who we think we should be in order to be who we are. This involves putting our self image to the test (the way we see ourselves, but also how we WANT to be seen), and also asking ourselves why we spend so much time with its maintenance and grooming; social media platforms are big allies in this activity.
Vulnerability is commonly mistaken for weakness, which is why the notion of vulnerability is often accompanied by a certain aversion. It’s a misconception though, the truth being that it requires quite an amount of courage, strength and trust to stand by your inadequacies, weaknesses and flaws!
But once we dare doing so, we’ll find it much easier to truly and authentically connect to the outer world. And there is more: we cultivate compassion!
Finding compassion
With compassion we see more clearly that others face struggles similar to ours. Instead of comparing ourselves with others and looking for differences, we get more and more interested in seeing what we have in common, what unites us. We connect!
We also begin to understand that most of us share the same longing for connection, but also the same misconceptions of how to achieve it. With that in mind we can let go more easily of our judgemental attitude and presumptuous behaviour. We find compassion for others, and our actions, speech and thoughts reflect that! This makes people feel safe in our presence, safe enough to be themselves and to connect!
Now, the sceptic might argue: Why would we want to cultivate compassion, if that only means to suffer other people’s pains? If we could alternatively mind our own business and just turn the head away… Think it through, the moment you connect to other people’s suffering and pains you ALSO connect to their joys and feel them as your own! Compassion acts as an amplifier, so to say. The implication for our own feelings is summarised in S. Robinson’s famous quote: “Pain shared is pain lessened. Joy shared is joy increased.”
But probably the strongest argument for cultivating compassion is: no joy without pain. We can’t selectively numb emotions. So if we want to experience true joy, we have to open our beating heart to all sorts of emotions, not just the comfortable and “easy” ones. This is the “price” if we want to feel connected and truly alive.
Connection always happens in the present moment and activities that cultivate presence are manifold. When we do arts or handcraft, play an instrument, climb a mountain, when we deeply reflect on things or have a conversation with a friend, when time is not an issue, when the outcome alone isn’t the goal and no expectation drags us away from the experience itself: this is when we connect.
“The more time you spend in a state of curiosity, enthusiasm and dedication, the more depths you add to your life. Connection will grow as a consequence.”
What does connection mean to you? When, where and how do you find it? Ask yourself, which activities create a sense of connection, which people or places support you find a sense of integrity and belonging. This is where you want to invest more of your time!
Strengthening our ability to connect to the presence, to the “here and now”, strengthens our ability to SEE the opportunities that lie right in front of us. Only though, if we also dare leaving our deeply ingrained patterns and comfort zone from time to time, if we dare shaking our fortress walls, reflect on our attitudes, our convictions and values, and open up to the unfamiliar. Plenty of possibilities, moments of joys and discoveries might otherwise remain hidden.
So if we want to restore a sense of awe and wonder, and become aware of life’s potential we have to shed our narrow-minded and biased attitude first. Usually this happens much easier and more naturally when we expose ourselves to new surroundings and experiences.
That means, whatever your go-to activities, break your usual routine and try something new (and don’t let your self image stand in the way)! Reinvent yourself! If downhill biking is your thing, try yourself at West Coast Swing for a change, sign up for a Wild Edible Workshop or learn to identify the different birdsongs in your backyard. Whatever it is, surprise yourself with something that is totally not on your radar! You might find passion – and connection – where there was none!
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This is an excerpt of the essay “Connection, Skill, Art & Necessity – And why we can’t blame it all on Covid-19”. In order to read it in full length and check out the online yoga classes that are based on it, please visit www.sansche-yoga.com/onlinecourses
Sources :
Brown, Brené: The Power of Vulnerability
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en
Fitch, John & Frenzel, Max: Time Off